


If, one day, I just disappeared, would you look for me?

by Kyle0beez



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Support, Family Dynamics, Fluffy, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, IRL Fic, It's not really dissociation, Mental Breakdown, Projection, Streaming, Stress, Tubbo is mentioned briefly, but it does resemble a little, family sbi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyle0beez/pseuds/Kyle0beez
Summary: He's fine, so why is he crying? Tommy takes a while to process.Aka: Everything is going well in Tommy's stream, but he starts to cry randomly on the call.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 27
Kudos: 1224





	1. It's all I've

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write Tommy crying because of my inability to cry. Because I tend to hurt my comfort characters for no reason. So this is basically just projection.

**T** ommy is theoretically in the best phase of his life. I mean, he's only sixteen. But, that does not disqualify the experience.

He's physically well. There are some math problems at school, but who doesn't? It is a very annoying exact story. He is also getting tired just reading the history texts and the words are so confused that he needs to read twice before he can understand the context of the sentence - even though history is the best content there is, he still feels mentally tired. His family is supporting him while he has fun working, and he is already able to pay for his own things and voluntarily pay the internet and electricity bill.

Even so, he is feeling a little empty, a little drained and tired even though his sleep schedule is regulated. So, with no better option, he ignores it.

Your stream has been running for half an hour - now. He can hear the voice of Wilbur, who is the only one who is streaming with him, and Techno in a discussion with Phil's cracked laugh in the background, although he is not really paying attention to what they say, he just knows they are there. Even being slightly ignored, it is comforting, it is a light in a void that he cannot describe.

"Okay, boys, enough!" Phil's voice is choked with laughter.

He hears Wilbur shouting something unrecognizable, purposely popping the audio from the microphone. In which Techno responds with a loud grunt and Tommy needs a few seconds to recover from the wave of sound that Wilbur brought him. He takes off and puts on the headset, fixing his hair under his ears and on his forehead. His hair is growing again, but he doesn't feel motivated enough to cut it; in fact, he even likes it that way, the strands almost covering his eyes.

Phil, Technoblade, Will and he got together to play minecraft, as usual, only that they decided to play in a survival world alongside the SMP, since things are a little intense there and, despite being a roleplay that he loves doing it, he can't help feeling relieved when the idea of SBI hardcore mode came up in Wilbur's brilliant mind (Tommy isn't sure if brilliant is ironic on his part or not.), (For the purposes of context, he prefers to leave it at that.).

It is doing well, in reality, better than they assumed. Techno is doing Techno things to be while picking up material for Wilbur, who builds something they are not sure what it is, but is making him happy and Tommy is not in the mood to tease Wilbur today. (But Techno is completely in the mood, talking about how horrible a construction is and he’s going to blow it up.)

(Why do your best friends like a good fire so much?). (He's the one with the greatest mental health in the SMP, shouldn't that be a concern?)

Anyway, he was still exploring with Phil, he kept him from dying three times in a row, Tommy would be grateful if he didn't feel so alienated from himself.

He knew his camera was on, with some people following its contents even though he was silent. Even with him pressing keys on the keyboard with pure muscle memory. This is not relevant to the audience, not even for them. He knows he's fine, but he also knows what it's like to start crying, even if he doesn't feel it.

He's fine, so why is he crying?

It's simple, he feels his heart pounding in his chest and his breath catches (he keeps it that way so that no noise escapes). When he runs his fingers over his cheeks, it's like a tap is running, his hand gets wet, but it doesn't stop. Thick tears sliding senselessly down your face. But, he feels nothing. He cannot grasp the reason for his body to react like this. It just reacts, and it sucks.

The advantage of not feeling a single feeling is that it has time to be rational. Then he changes the microphone, both on Discord and Stream, and turns off the camera so people don't look at him. He's shaking and it fills him with frustration. His heart is racing with fear of being caught, he knows that. He lets out a breath and closes his eyes hoping that a few seconds and a forgotten water on his desk will be enough for him to go back to Stream and pretend that none of this has really happened. He can say that some dust fell in his eye or he was having an allergic attack and needed to get out quickly. All options are better than crying in public for no reason.

He is listening to the voice of his friends, remains comforting. The tears are too much even for him to try to dry, so he decides to drink water. He holds the 1.5L full hot plastic bottle that he forgot to put in the kitchen in the morning. Tommy hasn't left the room in a while, but he didn't even notice. He takes his mouth and almost squeezes it in, he'll drink more water than he can swallow. The bottle is half full when he decides to stop, it works the wrong way, he doesn't cry so much anymore because he just stopped breathing for a while. Then he swallows his breath.

His face burns, his nose stings like pepper and he hopes Phil is so amused that he doesn't realize that his character has stopped moving. ‘They didn’t realize that Tommy stopped talking, why would they notice now?’ The thought comes out more bitter than he would like, he feels the tip of regret deep in his chest, but that is not the cause of the crying.

He would feel ridiculous if he were not tired. But, oh my god, why is he so tired?

He sighs shakily and focuses on Wilbur's voice that he kind of likes. Techno's voice also sounds dark and she hisses in the headset. Phil is in a conversation - which is not really a conversation - comfortably low, as if he knows that Tommy was focusing on everything but himself.

Wilbur is in the middle of a sentence when he starts to read the chat, and suddenly he hangs in the middle, a choking laugh in the background.

"Urgent, emergency. Child crying. Tommy is crying in the stream" Wilbur chuckles. Phil makes a confused sound.

"Tommy, are you crying?" Phil asks genuinely concerned.

Because that's how Phil is, genuine and careful with them. Despite being even rude for entertainment purposes, he can't really erase his own paternal and careful fame that he has.

Techno scoffs at the bottom of the call. This does not scare or scold you. He cannot expect compassion, because he did not want to be crying.

Then, against his better judgment, he forgets all of his excuses and simply unmute the call. He sniffs. Inhale. He grumbles because of the recurrent shortness of breath in his lungs. Sniffle again. So mute, because he feels like he's going to start sobbing, all in a very short space of time.

The call goes silent for a while and Tommy doesn't care. He bends over in his chair and grumbles loudly when he starts to cry a lot more than before. It's a painful cry, for anyone else who heard it, but he really didn't feel any pain. It was so empty it was unbearable, damn it, he just wanted to feel something.

"Tommy, can you turn your stream off for us?" Techno says, it sounds understandable which, yes, is a novelty, but well, Tommy was crying in a voice call as a child, he had no other way of dealing.

He doesn't mind, for the first time, feeling small, not close to Techno.

Tommy ends his stream and he tries hard not to read any comments from the chat. He peeks and realizes that Wilbur has also ended his own. Now he is alone in the call, just him and his Minecraft family, he manages to smile at the comment. Well, let's face it, he's funny.

He sighs and realizes how tense he is. His leg is hitting the floor like an excited dog, but he identifies it as anxiety. His eyes are burning to that point. Crying is inconvenient.

The call is waiting for him, he knows from the silence that is in it.

"I'm fine-" he realizes he doesn't unmute the call. So he does that, and before he can say anything, Wilbur's voice sounds even a little anxious

"Was it something we said?" Wilbur says.

Tommy doesn't have time to answer.

"Was anything we said a trigger for you?" Techno's balanced voice is almost disturbing, he knows how to hide his own insecurities under the tone.

"Are you okay, Tommy?" Phil asks.

Tommy kind of breaks. He's not sure, he just seems to lose the ability to contain his own body.

He's not sure if it was okay. He really has nothing to complain about, everything is going very, very well. Okay, he's been frustrated in RPG because he feels like he's starting to play alone, since everyone is choosing other sides instead of siding with him, but that's not really a problem. He missed his last MCC and the chat wasn't the kindest of him, but he was used to it. He was recovering at school in mathematics and his mother cut half the time he had on the computer so he could try harder. Even when he tried, it was the only thing he did. He's trying so hard.

He knows that lonely children tend to be extremely loud when they have other people's attention. He knows this because it fits him so well. So it is difficult for him to behave with other people on the internet.

He has no real problems, he is sixteen and should not be crying for any reason. But, he can't stop, he's heavy, but so empty at the same time.

"Tommy, it would be nice to know if you're still breathing." Techno says.

Tommy breathes out all the bottled air.

"This is the opposite of breathing, but I will consider it a victory."

Tommy laughs, he genuinely laughs at Techno's sarcastic commentary. He rubs his eyes and he continues to cry, with a smile on his face and he looks so ridiculous.

"God, I hate to cry."

That's not what Tommy means, but his brain and his mouth never worked together. He knows the value of crying, he knows it is necessary. But he can't, he can't cry in the hours he needs, in moments of emotion or weakness, he never cries, he tends to be proud of it, if he doesn't let a tear drop in times of stress.

I mean, once he cried while talking to Tubbo, he cried on purpose because he was literally talking about some annoyances and he knew that Tubbo would never take advantage of him in a state of tears. It was a nice day.

But, Tommy couldn't be more frustrated than now. Of all the moments, he just lost his mind now, he doesn't even know what's going on.

"I don't know why I'm crying." Tommy says.

"Was it something we said?" Wilbur asks.

"I don't know. Perhaps?" Tommy sniffs. "I'm just crying randomly. I'm fine." He inhales, asking for air.

"Breathe. Tommy, listen to me well, okay?" Phil says calmly, makes tommy safe and comfortable. "Breathe slowly, we don't want it to get any worse." Phil explains. "Inhale in four seconds and exhale in six."

Tommy tries. He comes out of breath the first time, but he manages to set the pace. Your heart decides to calm down a little, which is good.

"It's okay to feel that way. You're amazing, Tommy, you're still incredible. I'm proud of you." Wilbur says, nothing in his tone suggests a lie, so he lets in.

"You are very good, Tommy. Really, you only bring pride." Phil says

"Thank you guys." It feels warm inside.

"Tommy," Technoblade's voice seems to scold him for sound, so Tommy just waits. "You don't have to stop crying. You know why, if it's happening it's because you need it right now. Just let it out."

Tommy takes a while to process.

He repairs the access, he is alone at home, with people he trusts and admires with more passion than he can handle. Then it breaks.

He sobs hard, as if the world is going to ruin under his feet. It's all he has.

Words of support and affection thrown at him every second. Admiration, care and pride that he doesn't know how to process. He never knew, how is it common for people to deal with pride?

Has he ever been proud of himself? He's doing so much and he never seems enough. He doesn't feel well. He's not doing well, but what is he supposed to do?

* * *

He cries for forty-five minutes, Wilbur says. At all times trying to keep Tommy steady so that trapped tears don't become a crisis, which would be worse.

Now he snores tiredly on the computer keyboard. Phil and Techno talking quietly so as not to falter Tommy's sleep and they plan to be there when Tommy wakes up while Wilbur plans his next trip.

What will be Tommy's favorite ice cream?


	2. rain heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilbur visits Tommy for vanilla ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Then, I decided that this chapter didn't need dialogue, I just wanted to write a sequel because they said it would be a good idea. 
> 
> Thank y'all <3

**"What's your favorite ice cream?"**

Wilbu asked that two weeks ago as soon as Tommy had just woken up four hours later on the call after his crying spell and, well, the answer was vanilla, which yielded some nasty - not really - Technoblade comments that teased Tommy for a discussion even in a hoarse voice.

He had a plan, really, he talked to Tommy's parents, who had been out of town for a while, where Phil still had the contact given to their meeting months ago. He reviewed his schedule and realized he had a few days off two weeks after the event and he was going to be able to take a few hours trip to meet Tomms, and when he asked if Tommy would like it if he went to see him again, the answer was immediate.

"Yes. Fuck. Yes, yes. Fuck, yes."

And now he was leaving Uber with his cell phone semi-unloaded to find Tommy at an ice cream shop near his house that was up and running a hundred percent of the time.

He listened with warm heart to Tommy telling about how the owner of the ice cream shop was a nice guy, how the old man sometimes gave him a discount for meeting Tommy from a young age and how this was the place he went to every minute when he came back from classes. Also, a thousand and one comments about the special flake ice cream that was prepared there. Wilbur listened to all of Tommy's comments with gusto, infinitely preferring Tommy's loud voice and wide-open laughter than the hoarse, empty tone he had with his empty laugh.

He genuinely loved Tommy. It was his younger brother, after all. His family in the strangest, most natural way he had. He knows that he can't save Tommy from what he was feeling, not permanently, so he will, yes, bother Tommy to death to get a psychologist even if he has to argue until his lips turn blue. But, anyway, it was incomprehensible even to him the way his arms burned to give Tommy a hug and how agonizing it was to be so far away when Tommy looked so confused that way.

If he couldn't save Tommy, he would like to be there, to be a comfort.

However, he did not plan things well. It was raining in the UK.

Phil warned him well to check the weather forecast, but he liked to think it was a typical unpredictable rain - making it clear that he is lying. Technoblade's last message was a quick one: _"I ᴡᴀʀɴᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ_ ", so his morale was not very high. He still tried to drive his own car, just to remember that he hadn't refueled recently and going with him would be unviable.

He really thought about canceling with Tommy, he even came close to doing it, but as soon as he started the call and listened to the rain on the other end of the line with Tommy happier than he had ever seen in the month, he wouldn't have enough heart to hear the low disappointment in his voice.

Wilbur was really content to take a rain shower, he didn't even bring his glasses, he was blinded by the splashes in front of him and the sky was extinguished with black ash along with the low fog from the rain. He walks with his hand in front of his face over his eyes to save a little of his vision and walking he sees the lights on from an outdoor ice cream parlor, with a colorful canvas is placed on the low wooden platform with the tables. Plastic, the white lights illuminate a single individual who is distracted on the phone, in which he immediately identifies as Tommy in his black sweatshirt that he has fun displaying on the streams.

A loving smile is born on his face.

Tommy realizes that he is close at once. He gets up from the chair and skips on the dais. Mr. Paul - or Big P, as Tommy is not content to call people by name only - left Tommy lonely waiting for Wilbur that Paul listened to Tommy ramble about while eating flaked ice cream for almost every moment he was there, going to talk to the daughter at the back of the store. Tommy was proud to know that he was the only one who could be trusted to stay in the store without "incidents" - aka theft - happening. Not that he would steal, of course, but I think that's exactly the point.

But Wilbur is running on the sidewalk for him and his heart is racing because seeing Wilbur after being so vulnerable is hardly fair. And when he gets on the podium it's like the first time they met, Tommy jumps and smiles, but he doesn't hug. They stare at each other for a while before Tommy finally stops still.

Tommy panting, Wilbur wet drying his hair with his fingers, he feels at home in his neighborhood's cold ice cream parlor.

Tommy is speechless.

It was two weeks... nothing, it was nothing. Time was abstract, he continued as if nothing had happened. He focused on the genuine happiness that everyone was there when he woke up, he was content with it, but now Wilbur was there, for him, and his heart was beating so hard, it was so much.

Wilbur opened his arms to him, easy actions that convey difficult words.

Tommy does not want to admit that he is slightly apprehensive. The last time he gladly received a hug was the last time he saw Phil. I mean, he hugged his mom before she went to work and he was sure he had given his dad a hug before he left. But, giving hugs and receiving hugs is different. Wilbur actively wants to look after him, that's all.

He was not well, he managed to admit. Wilbur would make it a little better, he believes that.

Tommy buries himself in his older brother's arms. No heater would be a match for the warm feelings in Tommy's chest.

Tommy sighs. "Yeah, it will work."


End file.
